I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Let's paint friendship bongs
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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