Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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