Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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