Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
