Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
