When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
