PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize