Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
