I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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