Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
