Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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