Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
