theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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