May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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