Little spoons don't ask big questions
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
