Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
