i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
