I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
