tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
In other news, I just burned my penis
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize