Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
