I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
