Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
