I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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