i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize