Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
