Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
my being single is dangerous.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
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