The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
