i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
