I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
