If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Watching her eat just hurts me
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
