sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
