i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
