Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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