I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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