Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
