I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
