Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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