if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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