He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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