you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
