I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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