Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I can text with my tongue
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
