sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
