You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
porn star boner night. come get it.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize