i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
