HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
vagina is talking i cant
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
