I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
