Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
