I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
this will be a night to untag.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
