Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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