A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
