I just threw up on my dentist
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
