WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
