btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
