I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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