He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
