Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
