I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
